


Say It If It's Worth Saving Me

by MBL2307



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Real World, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Magnus Bane, Break Up, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Foster Care, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Past Drug Use, References to Depression, Riding, Sad Magnus Bane, Self-Harm, Smut in the last chapter, Top Alec Lightwood, riding in the backseat, savin' me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:35:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22478752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MBL2307/pseuds/MBL2307
Summary: “Get out.” is the angry demand thrown at him, after moments of torturous silence.“What?” is his weak response, in a broken voice, but he’s not surprised.His heart is racing impossibly fast and unbearably hard.Sweat is trickling down his back, despite the cold air in the room.“I want you out.”“Please, just… wait I-” he stammers pathetically, his words frenzied and failing him, his eyes frantically looking up, pleading. Everything was just coming out wrong, out of his control. But he cuts himself short, because he knows that nothing he says will justify, because he deserves this punishment.That, and he just couldn’t think clearly enough to get his jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 73
Kudos: 367





	1. On These Hands and Knees I'm Crawlin'

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely people :)
> 
> so I'm back with yet another Malec story, because I have a slight, tiny, weeny, itsy, bitsy, obsession and addiction with them, and this idea just wouldn't get out of my head. It started out as a one shot, but then grew a little, so I decided to divide it to chapters...
> 
> so for those of you who've read my previous story, you know that I have a flair for dramatics. if not, consider yourselves warned!
> 
> anyway, here is the first chapter, hope you enjoy it.  
> please let me know what you think!

_Prison gates won't open up for me_ __  
_On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'_   
Oh, I reach for you

Magnus has hit rock bottom before, or at least he thought he had.

He was staring daggers at the engineered parquet flooring, simultaneously attempting to fight the dread and the contradicting urge to make eye contact.

“Get out.” is the angry demand thrown at him, after moments of torturous silence.

“What?” is his weak response, in a broken voice, but he’s not surprised.

His heart is racing impossibly fast and unbearably hard. Sweat is trickling down his back, despite the cold air in the room.

“I want you out.”

“Please, just… wait I-” he stammers pathetically, his words frenzied and failing him, his eyes frantically looking up, pleading. Everything was just coming out wrong, out of his control. But he cuts himself short, because he knows that nothing he says will justify, because he deserves this punishment.

That, and he just couldn’t think clearly enough to get his jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence.

So he shuts his mouth again, trying to at least convey with his eyes how sorry he is, not that it matters, not really. But he needs Alec to know that he is not to blame, that he is pure and clean of any faults. 

Magnus Absentmindedly rubs at the goosebumps that have come and gone the whole morning. Then he presses down hard on the scars scattered on his forearm, Alec doesn’t stop him.

The silence that comes next is quickly cut short by a voice so cold, along with eyes piercing with venom, “I said get out.” for a moment, Magnus keeps their eyes locked, but when it becomes unbearable, too painful, he averts them once more.

Magnus runs a shaking hand through his already disheveled hair, and lets out a deep, frustrated grumble. He lifts his eyes up at Alec yet again, hating that look he was getting, hating that it was no longer soft and full of love, like he is used to.

It is not his Magnus look.

His whole body is shaking, his hands are twitching at his sides, itching to reach forward and embrace the other man in front of him. But he knows better, he knows he was no longer wanted, nor was his touch, and no hug could fix the mess he made.

Yet, he can’t move, his body betraying him and remaining rooted to his spot, restless and craving an opportunity to… what exactly?

Not that Magnus actually deserved any kind of chance, anyone else would probably even kick him out with physical force by now. No, he isn’t worthy of a chance to explain, and Alec definitely doesn’t deserve to suffer through it. There was nothing he could say to justify his actions anyway.

Alec was graceful enough to allow him a small window of opportunity, an opening big enough to hear him out. Right after Magnus confessed, Alec paused to allow his brain a moment to perceive the information.

Magnus could see the wheels turning, he could hear Alec’s brain trying to decide how much of it was exaggerated. Alec knew more than anyone, that Magnus had a tendency to be hard on himself, too hard. So Alec would always sit him down - whether it was something Magnus did that hurt him, or something that had nothing to do with Alec - and he would go over all the details with him, ask all the basic questions and try to see the whole picture.

More times than not, Alec would end up smiling and telling him that he did nothing wrong, that it was in his head, or he just blew it up to greater dimension than necessary.

This time was not any different, Alec sat him down and watched him as he rubbed the scars on his forearms, but also then, didn’t reach out to stop him. Just watched, clenching his jaw tightly.

“What happened?” he asked, and when Magnus shook his head and whispered that he doesn’t know, he continued his questioning, “Why? How? Where? When?”

But all he got was the usual I don’t know, or a shrug of the shoulder, or both, or neither.

Magnus could see how he was making Alec more frustrated, he could see how desperate he was for those answers, but Magnus couldn’t give them to him, because Alec was sure to find some kind of loophole, a gap in Magnus’ logic, which would surely lead to him being forgiven.

And Magnus couldn’t allow that.

So when Alec finally understood that he was not going to get what he was looking for, after Magnus had insisted that he was to be faulted, Alec told him to leave.

Alec folds his arms impatiently, and yet again pierces his lazer sharp gaze through him. And despite his harsh expression, Magnus thinks that maybe he is still waiting for a good explanation. Something in the man's eyes that are begging Magnus to give him a good enough reason to stay, begging him to reconsider and and answer his previous questions after all.

But Magnus will not ask him to stay, Alec should have better.

Despite his wealth and its tangibility in his daily life, Alec was a very low-maintenance guy who never demanded anything, the only thing he had ever asked for was honesty. And Magnus may have been honest and come clean right away, but he still betrayed him, in the worst way possible.

He did not deserve forgiveness or a chance to regain his trust.

No matter how much he yearned for one.

Magnus knows that he has already hurt Alec enough, he needs to leave before he makes it worse, his own aches be damned. This was his punishment and he will accept it, the all consuming agonizing pain and loneliness. He will suffer through it, alone, he has that coming to him. It has been a while, but it most definitely would not be the first time.

“Fine, I’ll go.” Alec spoke again, after yet another awkward moment of silence, “You better not be here when I get back.”

And shit, Magnus just keeps screwing up, Alec shouldn’t be the one to leave. But it’s already too late, Alec grabs his jacket and turns to leave. Magnus wants to reach out and grab him, hold him tight until he agrees to stay.

But he won’t.

“Alec.” he begs with a single word, fiercely holding back his tears, trying desperately to swallow past the thick lump in his throat, that was becoming harder and harder to ignore.

_Please don’t leave me, I can’t lose you too._

He is not worthy of those tears, has absolutely no right to them or to drown in an ounce of his own pain. God knows it is not fair to Alec, who doesn’t deserve to have to watch him cry, when Magnus was the one at fault.

So he presses down harder on the scars.

Alec pauses at the door and stares at him, and for the first time, Magnus cannot read his expression. “I’m so sorry.” Magnus finally adds in a whisper.

Alec clenches his jaw and swallows, his adam's apple bobbing, “I’ll sleep at Izzy’s tonight, that will give you enough time to pack up your things.” he says in a dry, emotionless tone, reminding him how he had caused this drastic change in the man he loves, and all in just a matter of minutes.

“Okay.” Magnus nods once, slowly, he can feel his nerves go wild, his skin itching and burning all over. His blood was tingling since he woke up, and only growing more intense, buzzing with a long forgotten need.

“I’ll be back tomorrow after work.” And with those last words, Alec walks out of the apartment, the door slamming behind him.

And now, in this moment, Magnus know what it is like to truly hit rock bottom.

**..**

Alec had not known him back when he was at his lowest, they had met a few months after he got out of rehab, and had already begun to get his life back together.

But despite being back on track, he still didn’t have much to his name, basically living on Catarina and Ragnor’s couch, and definitely had nothing to offer Alec when he came stumbling into his life, quite literally.

Or rather, Magnus stumbled into Alec, one late afternoon when he was in a hurry to work. Magnus was in such a rush that he hadn’t seen where he was going and bumped into Alec, who was holding a hot cup of coffee, and naturally with Magnus’ terrible luck, it spilled all over his expensive looking suit.

And dammit, why did he have to be such a horrendous cliche?

“Shit.” Magnus had cursed, barely looking up at Alec, then began his embarrassing rambling, “oh god, I’m so sorry, I’ll buy you a new coffee, and I’ll pay to clean the suit and-”

“This is a Tom Ford suit.” Alec stated, cutting him off, surprisingly not patronizing or arrogant, just saying, with even a hint of humor in his voice.

And was Magnus so obviously pathetically broke? And was that humor directed at him? And why the hell did he feel so small so suddenly?

“Oh.” Magnus said dumly, trying to look anywhere but at him, he had never even seen such a fancy suit so up close. He found himself lamely looking down at his old and boring attire, completely uncomfortable in his own skin.

Magnus used to own a whole wardrobe of various extravagant and unique clothes, granted they were not Tom Ford standard, not even close, but they were very nice. Unfortunately Magnus had sold most of it off for a fix, and couldn’t afford to replace them later when he sobered.

“I don’t think I can afford that.” he managed stupidly in a shaking voice, finally looking up at Alec, seeing him properly, and, “oh, wow.”

Perhaps if he wasn’t so enamored by him in that moment, he would actually be able to figure out who that man standing before him actually was. But alas, he was too dumbstruck.

Magnus could not fathom what it was Alec had seen in him that day, he was a mess, after all, and definitely did not look as good as he did before his addictions. He still donned his close to usual war-paints, but he was lacking his usual flair and flamboyant exterior, he had even lost a lot of weight, looking too thin and a tad unhealthy.

And he definitely wasn’t from the same world as Alec, who had grown up with the best, and Magnus was most definitely not the best.

Regardless, Alec had never once judged him, even when Magnus had told him about his distraught and disturbing past. Alec had always made him feel at home.

So instead of replacing Alec’s coffee, Alec replaced it on his own and even bought one for him, then drove him to work, which Magnus tried to refuse, but it was a losing battle.

When Alec asked for his number before he stepped out of the car, Magnus just looked at him with a sad, regretful smile and told him that he was sorry, but no.

Usually, Magnus would be all over that, but it all ended the same way eventually, and that time around, Magnus could really see the potential, and so he tried to be a little more responsible with his heart and prevent the inevitable break altogether.

**..**

The second time they met was at Magnus’ workplace.

The exterior of the place looked like a second hand bookstore, one of those vintage places, that only sold classics and first editions. However, only the most exclusive most elite society of New York, knew to present the hostess with their names and tell her that they had called to reserve a copy of “The Great Gatsby”.

The hostess would then lead them through a secret passageway, hidden behind one of the bookcases, into a large room filled with Mahogany low and high tables and chairs, a large square shaped bar in the center of the room.

It was dark and dimly lit only by candles on the tables, and a few Harper High Bronze outdoor wall lights, scattered along the brick walls. 

Magnus was dressed in his uniform, which was composed of a white dress shirt, a black bow tie, a black waistcoat with burgundy patterns, burgundy Henderson trousers and a black top hat and oxford shoes.

As per usual, he was preparing 20’s inspired cocktails in the confines of the bar, alongside three other bartenders. Every so often they would make a show of shaking the stainless steel shakers together, which the bar’s crowd loved.

It was approximately two weeks after they first bumped into each other, the whole bar was closed off for a special cellabration of the new Forbes top ten Billionaires of 2015.

“Magnus.” the manager rarely ever bothered them during service, he was usually more concerned with the waiters. So when he stepped up to the bar and called out to him, Magnus immediately tried to think what he had done wrong.

When his attention was shifted from the cocktail he was making to him, the manager continued, “you see that man over there?” he pointed at a middle aged balding guy, who quite frankly looked disgusting despite his fancy attire.

Magnus nodded, dread building in the pit of his stomach.

“Good, he requested that you serve him his drink.” his boss informed him, and Magnus couldn’t help but think that he’d rather be fired.

He does not serve, ever. And for good reason.

When he voiced that to his boss, he was given an angry look, “I don’t care, he is number one on the list, and he is paying handsomely, so you will do as you are told.”

And damn him and his privileged ass.

Why him? There were three other bartenders with him, why not them? Why not one of the six waiters, who, by definition, were there to _serve._ Not Magnus.

Reluctantly, Magnus made the cocktail (trying hard to fight the urge to spit into it, but failing), and stepped out of the bar, his misery written plain and visible on his face.

“Why the long face, gorgeous?” the obnoxious man asked when Magnus served him his drink, and boy did Magnus want to flip him off. He had to clench his fists at his sides to prevent it.

He plastered a fake smile on his face and turned to leave, but as he did so, mr. number one on Forbes, reached forward and groped his ass. Magnus froze for a moment, trying to overcome his shock and fathom what just happened. When it caught up with him, the anger took over and he spun back to the man smiling, all too proud of himself, laughing with his rich and famous forbes friends. 

Before he could even grasp what his body was doing, his arm reached out and grabbed the cocktail he had severed him minutes before, lifted it and threw the contents of the glass in the mans face, number one on forbes be damned.

“Why you little piece of shit, who the hell do you think you are?” number one shouted, accepting napkins that were immediately handed to him from all directions.

“You assaulted me!” Magnus shouted back pointing a finger, “I don’t care who you are, that’s not okay.”

“You better start caring who I am, and you can be certain that I will see to it that you not only get fired from this bar, but no one else in the city will ever hire you again.”

Magnus was just about to leap at his throat, when a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and halted his attack.

“Okay, Bruce Lee, calm down.” a soft soothing voice spoke close to his ear.

“Let go of me, you racist!” Magnus shouted, struggling to get out of his grip, which was too strong and impossible to get out of. He was let go only once they were a safe distance away from the scene. Magnus huffed angrily and turned with a pointed finger to the stranger who had dragged him away. And oh yes, that is where he should have recognized him from, he had seen the Forbes list when the manager had explained to them about the party a few weeks prior.

He froze in his spot, with a finger still pointed, and the malice words he was about to voice died on his lips, when he recognized the beautiful face looking back at him.

“You.” he said instead.

Whatever Alec was about to say, was cut off by the angry manager stomping over to him with a look that held no good.

Later, after Magnus was fired and kicked out of the bar, Alec stepped outside after him, and caught him just as he let out a loud frustrated groan, followed by, “stinking rich stuck-ups.”

“Hey, we’re not all that bad.” Alec protested with a fake pout, leaning on the wall and folding his arms.

Magnus shot him an unimpressed glare, “what do you want Forbes?” he asked, rolling his eyes and taking off his hat.

“Good, you know who I am.” Alec seemed please, he was about to continue his train of thought, but Magnus beat him to it.

He cut him off first with a snort, then, “of course, Mr. number nine,” he said it with contempt, then shrugged one shoulder, “not so impressive.”

Alec huffed, “Well I’m sorry I’m not good enough, I was going to offer to get your job back, but seeing as I’m only number nine on Forbes, it probably won’t work anyway.”

“All of you rich snobs think you’re so much better than everyone else, don’t you? Just because you have a fat bank account, and probably live in a huge mansion with servants and have ten cars you don’t need, doesn’t give you a right to treat us however you want.” Magnus was ranting blindly, taking his anger out on Alec, but not actually seeing him.

Alec opened his mouth to respond, but Magnus blindly cut him off, “and just because we weren't born with a gold teaspoon in our mouths, and don't have a daddy to hand us a thriving business, it doesn’t mean we are lesser.”

Magnus was huffing and breathing hard by the time he was done.

Alec went from taken aback, to absolute shock and confusion, to downright anger, “Don’t you dare generalize all rich people, you can’t turn us all into monsters just because one mistreated you.” Alec snapped at him, “that makes you no better than him.”

Alec shook his head in disappointment, as if he was expecting Magnus to be more than what he was. Magnus knew that look all too well to not recognize it for what it was.

What was utterly baffling and confusing, was the way it made him feel. The need to suddenly change number nine’s mind about him.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” He finally spoke, just as Alec turned to walk back towards the fake library and make his way back to the bar. He stopped and looked back at Magnus as he continued, “that was uncalled for and I’m sorry, I guess if I’m screwing up today, it has to be all the way.”

Alec turned fully to him and watched Magnus as he struggled, so obviously fighting against an internal storm, “You were just trying to help, and I was so rude to you. I mean, even if you could help, I can’t really go back there, and now I have to find a new job, if I can find a new job. Shit, I’m going to live on that couch forever.”

And why the hell was Alec smiling at him?

“You think this is funny?” he asked, his anger boiling again.

“I think,” Alec spoke softly as he took a step closer, “That you are adorable when you rant.”

Alec signaled with a wave to his driver, who was apparently waiting a few meters away from them. Magnus was too taken aback by the whole thing to actually respond.

“Come on, let me get you a drink, Gatsby.” Alec said, gesturing towards his car.

Magnus was barely expecting to enjoy his time with the billionaire, so he definitely could not have predicted that he would end the night by riding Alec on the back seat of his fancy town car (and for it to be so extremely good, probably the best he’s had), or how fast their relationship progressed after that. He certainly didn't think he would fall head over heels, especially not so deep or as fast as he did.

Magnus was quick to get addicted, and boy was Alec way better than Heroin. 

It didn’t take long for Alec to ask him to move in with him either.

**..**

When Magnus had moved into Alec’s penthouse, he felt like an intruder, despite the fact that Alec had insisted he moved in, and did his very best to make him feel welcome. Nothing there was his, and everything was way more than he was used to - besides the fact that he didn’t really have anything to contribute. Magnus constantly felt like he was living in a museum, and had to be careful with every step he took.

Alec was meticulous with the placement of every object and item in the penthouse, and it was always so squeaky clean. Not to mention all the beautiful and expensive artwork and ornaments.

Yet, it always held a sliver of hope.

Because Alec was there, and Alec was home. Truly that was all he needed, and absolutely nothing else mattered.

Of course Alec had always tried to encourage him to make any changes he wanted, constantly told him that penthouse was now theirs to share, and as such, Magnus had free reign to add, move, change or remove anything he wanted.

Alec had to fight tooth and nail just to get Magnus to put up a few pictures of him and his friends. It had taken the billionaire quite a few months to get Magnus to stop feeling like a stranger, and even longer to actually feel at home.

**..**

And now, standing alone in the huge penthouse, Magnus felt smaller than ever, and even more terrified than he remembers feeling in his life. There was something so mortifying about being there when he knew he was no longer welcome or wanted.

Suddenly that museum had turned from being his salvation to his worst nightmare, and it was suffocating. He needs to get out of here as soon as possible, even though Alec was not spending the night, he needs to get as far away as he can from all the reminders of everything he could no longer have.

The pure anxiety boiling deep within him, was now becoming even louder and engulfing him whole without mercy. He knows what’s happening, he just doesn’t know how exactly. This fear is not natural, it can’t all be a result of losing Alec, despite how terrifying that truly is.

He walks into their - no, **Alec’s** bedroom, and feels even more lost. He doesn’t even own much, and the little he had was mostly purchased and gifted to him by Alec, so really it just felt wrong, Magnus skims through his beautiful clothes in his section of the closet. He picks out a few that he had bought himself, and packs them up in a small suitcase.

As he is packing, he can’t stop the flow of memories that consume him. Magnus remembers how Alec would try and shower him with gifts, and most of them were so over the top, that Magnus just could not accept them in good conscious.

Starting on the night of the Forbes party, after they had a few drinks in them, Alec had offered to buy the bar for him.

Naturally, Magnus declined the generous offer.

“It belongs to Jace, my best friend anyway,” Alec told him, “He loves that place, although, he would allow me to buy it if I asked.”

“No need to deprive him of his precious bar.” Magnus insisted.

So Alec did the next best thing, he spoke to Jace the next day, got the manager fired and replaced by Magnus.

And that was a mild gift where Alec was concerned.

Like the time Alec had paid to have the empire state building all to themselves, or when he tried to buy him a car, and when Magnus refused he tried to convince him to take one of his own private drivers, which of course Magnus could not accept either, even if he did want someone to drive him around.

Then there was the private jets that took them to Cuba, Costa Rica, the Bahamas and many more. Of course they also stayed at all the best hotels and ate at the fanciest restaurants. 

At one point, Magnus had to sit him down and talk about it all, because he began to feel like perhaps Alec felt he needed to buy his love with all those things.

It was the second time that Alec had surprised him by picking him up from work, then drove them to his jet, which was all set to fly them off to Costa Rica. Magnus stopped him before they boarded and pulled him off to the side for some privacy.

Magnus told Alec that he wants him, not his money. It was actually quite sad and heartbreaking to see the surprise in the billionaires eyes.

And he hated all the exes and past lovers that made this generous and beautiful man ever feel like he is only good for his money, that he had to prove himself buy showering with gifts and vacations.

And despite how much he hated that look, Magnus was glad that he could also fix something in Alec, and not only be the one needing fixing all of the time.

At first, Alec got upset, telling him that he was being ungrateful, but once the momentary anger died down, and understanding set in, he was actually quite touched.

Alec still insisted on boarding the plane, because everything was already booked and paid for, and there was no point in wasting it. Once they took off, Alec excused the staff and dragged Magnus into the small bedroom, then showed him just how much he appreciated him.

**..**

On his way out of the bedroom he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and god does he look terrible. A mess. Definitely not worthy of Alec.

His hair is completely disheveled, his makeup is smudged and his clothes are completely crumpled. He looks like he hadn’t slept in days.

Suddenly the tingling in his blood felt more prominent, and harder to ignore. It was irritatingly present and consuming.

It has been a very long time since the last moment when he felt the same desperate need, like he couldn’t live without. Much like he felt now about Alec.

His blood, his brain, his whole body was begging him for a fix.

**_.._ **

Magnus had rarely gotten anything right in his life, if anything at all. Choosing Alec, or rather, allowing Alec to choose him, was the best thing he has ever done, it may be the only good and right choice he had made.

Perhaps it was all doomed to begin with, like everything else, he was bound to screw up and ruin it at some point.

And yet, he could not help but hope that maybe, _maybe_ this time things would be different, maybe this time he won't destroy and destruct.

He was naive.

Alec was his light, the small glimmer of hope. He may have already been in recovery, mostly thanks to Catarina and Ragnor, who quite literally saved him from himself - but Alec had accepted him with open arms, like no one else ever had (again with the exception of Catarina and Ragnor).

Magnus believed that he was beyond repair, had accepted his miserable life for what it was, his inevitable fate, until Alec came in with a storm and completely took him apart and reassembled everything.

Not because he felt the need to fix Magnus, or because he thought something was wrong with him, but because he made Magnus feel accepted and loved, and inspired him to change himself, to want things to be different.

It was barely a conscious thing, it just was.

Magnus wasn’t used to being the one to have someone saving him, and with the beautiful and gorgeous businessman at his side, he even started to feel like he was worth it.

Alec encouraged him to be better.

And things felt… right, for the first time in his life.

Leaving his old self, his old miserable life and bad habits was so much easier.

Magnus dared to hope and dream, and actually believe that he _could_ , that what he wanted wasn’t impossible.

He got his life together, started taking evening classes after work (he was determined to do it on his own, despite Alecs insistence to help), and finally started working as a social worker, his way of insuring the opportunity at a better life for more children.

Granted he was just a pawn in the system, and Magnus still had a long way to go, but he was slowly making his way up, it was progress he never thought he would make.

And Alec welcomed him into his life with open and kind arms, allowed him to enter his home, his family's heart, without any conditions.

Magnus always knew he shouldn’t be the recipient of all that acceptance and warmth, it was only a matter of time.

But things were changing for him, he was feeling more confident, he was being more ambitious, and the depression that has become a constant was actually beginning to fade.

Thanks to Alec and his beautiful family, it had been a long time since he felt sad and miserable to his core.

**..**

And here he is, watching a reflection he wishes to destroy, yet again proving he was not worth being saved at all.

He scratches and pinches at the scars on his skin of his forearms, wishing for the burning to stop, for the tingling in his blood to desist. For the lump in his throat to ease.

For the irritability of it all to disappear.

It dawned on him the moment he woke up in a strange bed, he couldn’t recognise his surrounding or remember how he got there, but he knew what was happening under his skin.

Especially after the diarrhea hit.

Had he relapsed?

He tried to dig through his brain, for him to remember something, _anything_ at all, but in vain. All he could remember was the argument he had with Alec the night before, storming off and drinking at the bar.

That was probably where he saw _her_ , too drunk to say no, or walk away. Too angry to think clearly, especially so intoxicated.

All he could remember having was his usual whiskey, his go to when sad or upset. The last thing he can remember was during his third glass, which was hardly enough for memory loss, but maybe he just can’t remember whatever he drank after.

Either way, none of it was a good enough excuse to cheat.

It didn’t matter that he was angry at Alec who had spoken some hurtful words to him.

It didn’t matter that he was not in control of his actions or thoughts.

It didn’t matter that he could not remember any of it.

And it definitely didn’t matter that he was sorry and regretted it all.

It was unforgivable.

Their relationship was not worth the hassle and trouble for Alec, it was not worth the heartache and pain, Magnus most definitely was not worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve opened a tumblr account!! I’m still very new to it, but you can check me out there if you’d like : [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com)


	2. With these broken wings I'm fallin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey to all!
> 
> thank you for coming back :)  
> this story deals with some difficult content and subjects, so please read with caution, and the understanding that I mean no harm and that I take it very seriously. please make sure to read the tags, I have added some so you all know the issues that I am writing about.
> 
> pleas let me know your thoughts, Kudos and comments are always welcome.

_ Heaven's gates won't open up for me _ _   
_ _ With these broken wings I'm fallin' _ _   
_ __ And all I see is you

Five years.

That is the amount of time Magnus is now throwing away.

Two years in and out of rehabs, endless amounts of AA meetings, countless slip-ups and relapses, nights on park benches and in emergency rooms. Two years of phone calls in the middle of the night, and making everyone around him life’s hell, including his own.

Then another three years with his precious Alec, two of which had been back in school, finishing his degree, and then starting an actual proper job.

Magnus even dared to believe he was not as broken as he used to be, but he was proving himself so wrong now, asking,  _ begging  _ Raphael for his help.

“You stupido, there is no way I will allow you to slip again, how in the world could you ever imagine I would?” He can clearly hear Alec in that voice of reason, see him in the darkness of his mind and the empty nothingness in his soul.

“Where is Alec?”

“We broke up.” and it was simple as that, after all that time, it was just… over. All that time wasted and thrown away.

“Dios, tell me where you are I’m coming to get you.” 

“Raph, if you can’t help me get what I need, then there is no need for you to come.” It was strange beyond words to have Raphael as the one to try and talk him out of it, when for so long he was the one to talk him in.

They grew up together in the same god awful foster home (not that it had any resemblance to a home…), later, when they both turned 18, they ran off together and lived in a run down tiny one bedroom apartment, worked at the same crappy diner and got involved in the same bad crowds. 

But Raphael was the first to fall, spending day and night with a needle in his vein. Magnus preferred other measures to numb the constant throbbing agony, but eventually, when all the cuts in the world couldn’t even help to ignore, he fell too.

His foster brother did not try and convince him to start in any way, but he did welcome him to the world and helped him get started.

And so after that, they started getting high together. 

Together they forgot the horrible world around them, the world that showed neither of them any mercy, the world that was constantly throwing at them obstacle after obstacle, with no sign of slowing down.

Eventually, they also found their way out together.

Raphael had turned to the church and Magnus to his two closest friends, the same ones who had peeled them both from the gutter.

“You don’t need that crap.” Raphael insists, “you’ve worked too hard to get clean to just go back to that, don’t throw it all away, hermano.”

If Raphael only knew how bad he has been craving the whole day,  _ yearning _ for a fix, especially with Alec being gone but still present everywhere he looked, in every cell and fiber of his being, in every breath he took and all of his thoughts and feeling, running rapidly through his veins.

If he could feel the absolute torture of it all, Raphael would most definitely inject the drug into Magnus’ vein himself.

“You have no idea what I need.” If there was anyone who knew, it was Raphael, but in this moment, none of it really matters, not the truths and certainly not the lies.

So he hangs up without any further wasted words, and looks down at the suitcase he packed, none of it holds any significance, it all feels too empty and unimportant, without Alec, there really is just no point, is there?

Not the clothes, not the jewelry or the make up, and to hell with all the products and creams. They are all just stuff that holds nothing but reminders of everything he lost in just a matter of a few hours.

It is time to finally fully accept that he is irreversibly broken, every part of him, and it was foolish of him to ever think otherwise. It is time to just let go for good, allow his broken body and soul to fall all the way, without dragging Alec down with him. Magnus should have never messed with Alec’s life to begin with.

So, sick of living a life hanging by a thread, he abandons his belongings and leaves it all behind, he won’t need it where he is going anyway.

**_.._ **

As a child, Magnus moved around a lot. His mother died when he was a baby, and his step father had left soon after, or so he was told. He couldn’t even be sure of the cause of her death, due to the fact that all his back story he was told, was based on rumors passed on between neighbours.

He knows he was unwanted, and Magnus did not need any rumors for that (although there were many), he could feel it in his bones, to the core of his dark and tainted soul. 

In some versions, it was told that his mother took her own life, because she hated him and everything he reminded her of, because he was the product of rape. In another version, his biological father was the one to take her life.

And for those exact reasons, his step father wanted nothing to do with him either.

He was found alone on the streets of Jakarta by the local authorities, and after asking around and piecing together his story, they sent him off to an orphanage.

From what he was told later, he was there for at least three to four years, after that he was adopted by a young American couple, who couldn’t get pregnant, or at least so they thought at the time. They brought him back with them to Los Angeles, but he was proving to be a difficult and problematic child, and when they miraculously got pregnant, there was no more need to put up with him.

So they also gave up on him, and gave him up to the foster system.

He jumped in and out of more homes than he can count, for too many years. He was always too much to take care of, too much trouble, too much of a headache. Either that, or not enough for the families who were more serious about adoption. Eventually the social workers gave up all together and stopped “showing” him to potential adoptive families, because it was a lost case to begin with. 

When he was 14 he arrived at the home where he stayed until he was 18, where he met Raphael. It wasn’t a good home by any means, they were more neglected and hated, but at least he didn’t have to move anywhere for a solid four years.

Eventually, he believed that he was not wanted because there was nothing in him worth wanting.

And that realization hurt more than anything.

When he was 15 - way too young to come to terms with being a waste of space that will never find a place that fits, wherever he goes - he stole his foster-father’s razor, and found a relief for the turmoil raging deep.

It was an escape, a short moment where he can distract his mind and soul, avert the pain elsewhere, just for a little bit.

When they turned 18, Raphael and Magnus both packed up a backpack each, stole a couple hundred dollars from their step parents, and hitched hiked their way to New York, stealing food and drinks to survive.

They were hoping that maybe,  _ just maybe _ the big apple would bring them a little more luck than the city of angels. Maybe New York will be kinder to them.

For a short while, things were a little better, just happy to not be under the control of the foster system and all its fuck ups.

But then Heroin happened, and one by one they were both gone for.

The problem about Heroin (and drugs in general) is that it is way too easy to be tempted and fall back in. There are not many places in the city that don't remind him of the drug and the use of it, the relief it provides. Every alley and run down neighbourhood holds at least one euphoric memory of forgetting.

He knew very well the influences and the negative consequences of Heroin, however, that was never enough to prevent relapsing, or the uncontrollable drug-seeking behaviors.

It has been a very long time since the last time he had felt the need to use, and even longer since he actually used. There was no logical reason for him to feel those symptoms again, so suddenly, so strong. 

The overwhelming feeling of depression, restlessness and irritability, and the small aches and cramps. Something just didn’t make sense about it. But his brain was too foggy to actually think straight enough, to figure out what it was.

And he needs, he needs so bad. And that is all he cares about, all he can think about.

That, and wanting Alec.

And as he was injecting the needle into his veins, he couldn’t help but wonder if he had not screwed up with him so badly, perhaps he would not need that liquid coursing through him, providing a much needed pain relief and intense pleasure.

The last face his brain sees before it is too far gone, the last word his mouth utters, “Alec.”

Then he surrenders to the rush that floods and flows through his blood, sending surges of pleasure and euphoria throughout his body. 

After that, the drowsiness takes over, and he slips into deep relaxation.

**_..._ **

The thing about Heroin, is that it provides a pleasure unlike any other, a means to forget all troubles and problems, but the fall when it wears off is so hard, that you can’t stop the reuse of it, and keep going for more and then some more.

After the euphoria dies down, Magnus is vomiting the little he ate that day, and when there is nothing left, he vomits gastric acid. Then he just dry heaves, and it feels terrible, and then his mouth is dry, and he can’t really remember how this was ever worth it.

He can’t really remember where he is either, or how he got there, it is all a blur and none of it makes any sense. Magnus tries to remember, tries to figure out how much time had passed, and he can feel the panic already set in.

He looks around at his surroundings with half lidded eyes, he is in a shaby, dark and dirty apartment, with a few people laying around in a position similar to his, out of all of them Magnus only recognises Meliorn. 

He can vaguely remember calling Mel, and then stopping off at an ATM to withdraw the cash he needed for his fix. The rest of it is too much of a blur, and his mind is too far gone to be able to think clearly.

The phone in his pocket vibrates, but he can’t seem to control his limbs, or maybe they’re just too heavy. 

_ Maybe it's Alec. _

The thought jumps at him out of nowhere, before he can stop it, because oh yeah, there is no more reason for Alec to call him anymore. And it cuts through his gut all over again, and now he can remember  _ why  _ he’s in this disgusting apartment in such a delirious state.

Not how and where, but just why he is in this situation to begin with. And yes, it really is all worth it all of a sudden.

Because if Alec is no longer part of his life, then he just wants to forget.

So he reaches out, his movements heavy and clumsy, he grabs more, knocking over a bottle of beer that spills over his clothes, but he just doesn't care.

He repeats the same steps, old habits that easily resurface, familiar again. And Magnus welcomes the cycle once more in open arms.

Was this the second, or maybe the third already? Does it really matter?

His heart beat slows once again, so much so that he can barely feel it drumming in his chest, its faintly there, a bitter reminder that he is still alive.

But then his brain fades again to the unknown, and peace takes over. It matters no more, whether it beats or not, or how strong. He allows his awareness to slip yet again and his body to be enveloped by the relaxation.

**...**

It was their first morning in New York, having just arrived in the city and were determined to start living their new lives. They were definitely off to a great start, for the first time in both their lives, the world was showing them some mercy and presenting them with some good fortune.

Neither of them would have ever guessed that the first place they walked into, would change their lives forever. If it weren’t for that diner, they would probably both end up dead, because that diner brought Ragnor and Cat into their lives

“Hello boys, what can I get you?” they had just sat down in a free booth, both exhausted and starving, having only a few dollars left in their pockets. Raphael and Magnus exchanged looks, then looked up at the beautiful smiling women in front of them. Clutching the menus in their hands, they both knew that there was no way they could afford a meal that would fill them up, but neither wanted to start their new beginning by stealing food, or running off without paying the bill.

“We will have two coffees and one plate of pancakes.” Magnus requested politely, earning a strange look from the waitress, then she explained that the portion is usually only enough for one, “especially for two young boys like yourselves.” she had added with a wink. The two boys smiled back at her, blushing as Magnus explained that they were not very hungry.

Nevertheless, twelve minutes later, they were served two plates of pancakes. When they tried to deny the second plate, the waitress gave them a kind soft smile, the first either had ever received, then said quietly, “it’s on the house, no arguing.”

Later they learned that she wasn't just the waitress, when they were done eating and were thanking her profusely, she had introduced herself as Catherina, her and her husband, Ragnor, owned the diner. After telling her about their journey to the city, she even offered them a job as busboys, and thus began their first good thing in their lives.

Life was actually good for a while, they made enough money for a small whole in the wall, and food, they even actually enjoyed their jobs and had spent a lot of time with Cat and Ragnor, who had taken them under their wings. 

But of course, all good things must come to an end, at least for them, and the small streak of good luck had ended when Raphael met Meliorn at a party one evening, ending the night with him, getting high at some club called “the seelie court”.

The next morning, Magnus peeled Raphael off the floor at the clubs bathroom, and when he was sober enough to actually communicate, Magnus scolded him, pissed that he would actually do something so stupid. It didn’t stop Raphael from doing it again, or prevent Magnus from coming for him time after time.

A month later, Magnus woke up in a stranger’s bed, just like almost every other morning, feeling empty and sad. He jumped between beds, searching for a feeling other than loneliness and sorrow, searching for someone who would actually see him for more than just a body to fuck for the night. But that morning he had really come to terms that he will probably never be seen beyond that. 

So when he got home and could not find an empty space on his arms, he pulled down his pants and found one on his thigh. Then, when he could still feel the pressure on his chest, despite the pain from the cut, Magnus found Raphael and asked him for his first fix.

**...**

Somewhere in the haze of the drugs coursing through his veins, Magnus slips in and out of it, and he can feel himself slipping all together. He knows what's happening, because it has happened before. Perhaps if he were more conscious, he would be ashamed to admit that it even happened more than once or twice.

But there was only one other time that it felt this bad, where he just knew that his weak heartbeat would soon cease altogether. 

It was the last time that he ever used before this, almost three and a half years ago, about half a year before he met Alec. 

Camille had popped back into his life, spreading poison all over the progress he had begun to make. She was evil to her core, and had some kind of obsession with Magnus, but she never actually really cared about him, and definitely did not love him, not like Magnus loved her.

He was pathetically in love, so blinded that he couldn’t see how toxic she was, not until he was so far over the edge, he almost lost his life.

Camille was MIA for almost four months, she had run off with some Russian guy, yet again breaking Magnus’ heart. But eventually he had managed to scrape himself off the ground, with the help of Cat and Ragnor, who forced Raphael and him into yet another rehab center. It wasn’t the best, but it was the best either of them could afford.

But of course, as per usual, Camille came back with a storm, and snuck them both out, taking them to her regular club, where they all got so high, they ended up on Brooklyn Bridge, where Magnus climbed onto the ledge and fell off due to the lack of control.

He could barely feel his heartbeat at that point, yet alone keep steady on his feet. It was an absolute wonder that he even managed to climb onto the ledge. He doesn’t remember much, except feeling the stroke of death closer than ever before, and it was absolutely terrifying, but he was too numb to even feel the fear.

Neither Raphael nor Camille were coherent enough to do anything about it, or even call 911. Luckily for him though, there was a young couple strolling along the bridge who had witnessed his fall and made the call that saved his life.

For the second time in his life Magnus was actually gifted with an ounce of luck. The doctors told him that it was a miracle, not only that he was still alive, but also that his brain function was close to normal.

It was a life changing moment that he could not ignore, for him and Raphael, who had gotten just as spooked as he did from the whole mess. However, Camille did not learn, and quickly returned back for another fix.

Raphael and Magnus cut all ties with her, and haven’t heard from her since. Until last night, that is.

After that night, Cat and Ragnor were gracious enough to not give up on them, despite the amount of times they already had to start over.

They completed their time in rehab, and had finally gone their separate ways, after the therapists and doctors suggested that perhaps they should spend some time apart, seeing as they were so used to influencing each other to fall back.

Although it was the hardest thing they ever had to do, Raphael and Magnus decided to follow the suggestion and take some time apart. Raphael had turned to the local church, began volunteering there, and eventually went into seminary school and became a priest.

Magnus had decided to stay with Cat and Ragnor, because he had nowhere else to go, and no money to pay for an apartment. Neither did he have any idea what he wanted to do with his life.

So they gave him a time limit on their couch and the condition that he find a job.

He started working at the Gatsby bar, where he met Alec, and thanks to him, Magnus made the couch limit on time, when he was able to move in with him.

**..**

It comes in waves, each one larger and stronger than the previous ones, slowly washing over him. At first it is warm and pleasant, Magnus welcomes them with open arms, allowing them to envelope him. But slowly they become more aggressive, harder to control and just painful, any trace of enjoyment and pleasure now gone.

Then the panic sinks in, pure terror to his core, and the marrow of his bones.

Then he just feels numb, as his consciousness slowly fades. He is slipping in and out, barely registering the silhouettes around him, can’t distinguish between the different faces and voices, if any of them are actually even real or just fragments of his imagination.

Distantly, he can hear banging, its faint, or at least to his ears, but it definitely sounds like a fist connecting with wood. Magnus is not sure if it is coming from far away, or perhaps he is too far gone for his ears to function properly, but neither does it really matter. 

It might be the police, but he knows that his chances of making it through the night are verging on slim, so he has nothing really to worry about. This is the fearlessness he recognizes, he knows it from last time, he is so close to the end, that nothing scares him anymore. Not to mention, he no longer feels like he has anything he can hold onto in his life, or hold on for.

The banging becomes pounding, and Magnus thinks maybe it really is in his head. Is this an effect of the Heroin? Maybe he is just delirious, maybe both.

He is drifting between the darkness in the room, and the blackness behind closed lids. He can barely feel the need to breathe anymore, his heart rate slowing to an almost non-existent pace.

Then there is a loud bang followed by a crash, and this time Magnus can hear it loud and clear as his eyes snap open.

But it lasts only a short moment, and he is now fading again.

As his eyelids slide down, Magnus can faintly see a large silhouette hovering above him.

It can’t be, he must be imagining.

It has to be the delusion and effects of being so near the end.

But it all goes away and gets forgotten a short moment later, when he can no longer re-open his eyelids at all, and everything just shuts off and fades away.


	3. On the Ledge of the Eighteenth Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, thank you so much for all your comments and kudos, they are well appreciated.
> 
> also, so sorry for the long wait! this chapter wasn't actually originally planed and I decided to add it, so I had to finish it off before posting. but I have a couple of exams and didn't get a chance to finish it until now.
> 
> so without further ado...

_ These city walls ain't got no love for me _ _   
_ _ I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story _ _   
_ _ And all I scream for you _ _   
_ __ Come please I'm callin'

“Where the fuck have you been?” Alec’s angry voice called out to Magnus as he walked through the front door, and made his way down the hall to the bedroom, without looking at Alec. “Hey, I’m talking to you!”

Alec grabbed his forearm and pulled him back. He surprised Magnus when his eyes softened and his hands cupped Magnus’ face. “I’m sorry,” Alec spoke softly, all traces of anger already gone, “about last night, all the horrible things I said, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it.”

But Magnus couldn’t look at him, he avoided Alec’s eyes and tried to avert them, even as Alec held his face in place, trying to direct it at him. “Magnus, what’s wrong?” Alec asked, his voice filled with concern, “where were you last night?”

Magnus grabbed hold of Alec’s wrists and gently but firmly pulled his hands away from his face, stepping back and away from him, out of Alec’s reach. He still looked away when uttering his next words, “I cheated on you.” Magnus said, his voice weak, barely above a whisper. At first, Alec thought that he heard him wrong, even asking him to repeat his words. Magnus sat down on the couch, buried his face in his hands and rubbed harshly, leaving Alec standing, dumbstruck.

“I cheated on you last night.” Magnus repeated, louder, “with Camille.”

“What? No, that can’t be.” Alec unfroze and shook his head, then made his way to Magnus kneeling before him, “please tell me it’s not true.”

Magnus finally looked up at him, shook his head and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Eventually he just muttered hoarsely, “I’m so sorry, Alec.”

But Alec still refused to believe it, he tried to process the information, tried to figure out if perhaps Magnus was just blowing a small incident out of proportion. So he took a moment to assess his boyfriend, watched the way his whole being seemed to tremor, he could already tell that something was awfully wrong.

But before he could say anything further, Magnus stood up and tried to walk past him, muttering something about needing to go as he tried to make his way to the door. But Alec was quick to stand as well, then pulled Magnus back and sat him back on the couch, then sat as well, a small safe distance from him. “Please tell me what happened.” he begged, because he knew that if Magnus told him exactly what happened, Alec would find a way to forgive him, because Magnus had a tendency to exaggerate when it came to self condemnation. Or at least so he tried to convince himself, but this was the first time in quite a while, that Magnus was no longer fighting.

Magnus just shook his head, refusing to explain any further. “Please Magnus, I’m begging you to tell me what happened.”

“I already told you,” Magnus finally looked up, his voice still weak but adamant, his words harsh, “I cheated on you, there is nothing else to it.”

Alec swallowed hard and bit his bottom lip, feeling overly frustrated. He watched as Magnus rubbed and pressed on his scars, he knew exactly what that meant, and in itself it spoke volumes, Magnus was punishing himself. But Alec didn’t even reach out to stop him, he clenched his jaw and watched, because he knew that it would just cause Magnus to withdraw even further.

And also maybe because a part of him, one he is not proud of, wanted Magnus to be punished, even if he was exaggerating by saying he cheated, he was still trying to sabotage their relationship.

“Where did this happen? Did you arrange to meet her?” he inquired, but Magnus just shook his head again, pressing down harder, and even harder when he asked why he did it. “Was it because of what I said last night? I know you were angry but-”

“It has nothing to do with that.” Magnus snapped, cutting him off. “I cheated on you, for no good reason, so stop persisting.”

Alec nodded slowly, swallowing hard on the lump that was forming in his throat. He forced it down, standing abruptly and began to pace, Magnus was being difficult, more so than he had ever witnessed before. It has been a very long time since Alec had seen Magnus this way, he truly believed that they had passed it, that they had progressed to a better place.

And suddenly Alec could feel the anger boiling, because the argument from the previous night was harsh, probably the worst they ever had, but by far not a good enough excuse to cheat. And the fact that Magnus wouldn’t answer any of his questions properly, was just a testament to how much Magnus just didn’t care about him and their relationships, if he could just give up like that.

“Get out.” Alec eventually demanded, because he had been nothing but kind to Magnus, he had opened his whole world and family to him, the only thing he had ever asked in return was honesty. Cheating was the worst thing he could do in Alec’s book, and Magnus knew that well. And the fact that he wouldn’t even give him the decency of at least answering his questions, was beyond hurtful and disrespectful.

Magnus, who was still refusing to look at him, and up until that moment was keeping his eyes stubbornly on the floor, finally looked up, “what?” he asked, somehow taken aback by Alec’s demand.

“I want you out.” Alec said, hating the way he sounded cold and distant to his own ears. He never thought they would ever get to that point.

“Please, just… wait I-” Magnus stammered, pleading with his eyes, and Alec could see how he was struggling for words, and was forcing himself not to reach out to him. He was hurt, and despite his natural tendency to always think first of others, he forced himself to think only of that, of how much pain  _ he _ was in.

Magnus was rubbing against his scars again, so Alec looked away, determined not to find himself in a situation where he gave into his urges. And when Magnus still hadn’t made any attempt to leave, Alec repeated his demand. Eventually he just decided to leave, he needed to see Izzy, get away from the penthouse that reminded him too much of all his memories with Magnus.

He was still holding on to a small sliver of hope, until the very last moment when he left, that Magnus would change his mind, stop being so annoyingly stubborn and answer his damn questions, but he didn’t. So Alec left, even though it felt completely and utterly wrong, even though all he wanted was to stay.

**…**

Alec wanted to cool off with his thoughts, so he decided to walk to Izzy’s house. It wasn’t too far, normally it would take him no longer than 15 minutes to walk there. But that day, he really had to drag his heavy legs, which wouldn’t allow him to go at his normal pace. So he advanced slowly, even turning around a couple of times, only to stop in his tracks and turn again towards Izzy’s. So it had taken him as long as an hour to get to her front door step, then another five minutes until he actually lifted his fist and knocked.

It was a Sunday, just after 1pm by the time Alec had reached her loft, so she was at home, and by the looks of it, had woken up only recently. She was surprised to see him, but still very glad, at first at least. Normally, it wouldn’t take her so long to recognise that something was seriously wrong, but it seemed that she had yet to have her “morning” coffee, which meant that her brain was still working at a sleeping pace.

Alec had walked past her and reached as far as her kitchen, to brew them both some coffee, when she finally noticed. “What happened?” she asked, accepting gratefully the mug he handed to her. Alec sat down on the bar-stool at the kitchen island and sighed heavily, then took a sip of his coffee before looking up at her, just as she took a seat beside him, turning her chair to face him, concern written all over her face.

“Alec you’re scaring me, please tell me what happened.” she went on when he didn’t reply, Alec just placed his mug on the island and buried his face in his hands, his elbows leaning on the marble. “Did something happen to Magnus?”

Alec shook his head then looked up at her, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. “We had a fight last night, a bad one.” he began to explain in a shaky voice, willing himself to not break, “I said some things, we both did, and he just left, only to come back about an hour ago, and…” Alec choked on a sob, his tears finally beginning to spill down his cheeks. Izzy immediately pulled him into her arms and hugged him tight.

“Oh Alec, what happened?” Izzy asked softly, “Did he break up with you?”

Alec straightened again and shook his head, “No.” he told her, “I kicked him out.”

“What? Why?”

“He told me - he…” Alec could barely finish the sentence, he didn’t want to, because the moment he did, once it was out in the air, it would become more real, but he had to, and he forced himself to say the words despite his reluctance, “Magnus, he told me he cheated on me with Camille.”

Izzy’s hand flew over her mouth, covering the gasp that escaped her lips. She shook her head, also refusing to believe the truth in Alec’s words. “No, it can’t be.” she finally said. “Why in the world would he do that?”

“I tried to pry an explanation out of him, but he refused to give me one.” Alec continued, a steady stream of tears now slipping out his eyes and down his cheeks, he couldn’t even remember the last time he cried like that, “it just all feels so wrong, but no matter how much I tried, he just… he wouldn’t give me a reason to fight for what’s left.”

“He can be his own worst enemy.” Izzy agreed, because she knows Magnus, Alec had brought him into her life and allowed them to become close. “He knows that you would find a way to forgive him, no matter what his explanation was.”

“I know, but fuck Izz, it just all feels so wrong.” Alec grabbed his head, pulling on his hair as he spoke, his nerves were going wild, “But he cheated. He fucking cheated, with Camille of all people.” As Alec spoke, his voice rose in anger, his stomach boiling and his heart aching, his mind was fuzzy and having a hard time coming to terms with it all, “After everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve done for him he…”

Izzy reached out to him as he paused to drink from his coffee, unable to finish that sentence. “And he wouldn’t even give me an explanation, I mean, I know why he didn’t, or at least I think I do, but fuck, it makes me feel like he just doesn’t even care enough, maybe he never did.”

“Oh Alec, you know that’s not true.” Izzy was quick to say, “It’s because he cares too much that he wouldn’t explain himself.”

Alec let out an incredulous laugh, “and let’s face it, I’m not so sure I want to hear that explanation, I have enough of a mental image of him and Camille.”

Izzy gives him a doubtful look, “You and I both know that there is more to this, and I wasn’t even there.” she said knowingly, drinking from her coffee.

Alec sighed and rubbed his face again, his mind conjuring up the image of Magnus sitting on the couch all broken and shaking. When he took a moment out of his anger to think about it again, he knew Izzy was right. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” he said eventually, “something was very off with him.”

“More than ‘I just cheated on my boyfriend' kind of off?” Izzy asked, then quickly winced at her own words, even before Alec could even think of giving her the look of ‘are you serious?’

But there were more important things to focus on, and he forced himself to replay the whole thing in his head.

“I don’t know, I just can’t get rid of this sick feeling that… Maybe I should have pushed harder for those answers.” Alec stared into the air in front of him, deep in thought as he lifted his mug again but didn’t drink, he was grateful that Izzy gave him the time he clearly needed. “I got really mad at him, I even forced myself to think of my own pain, how I opened up everything to him, and he just threw it all away like it meant nothing. But now, the more I think about it, the more I realize that he wasn’t okay.” 

Alec then looked up at Izzy as if only just realizing she was there, “You should have seen him Izz, he seemed so… out of it.” he told her sadly.

“Do you think maybe… maybe he’s using again?” Izzy suggested.

“I don’t know, maybe?” Alec shook his head, hating the dread that was building in his stomach. If that was the case, and he just left magnus there all alone, god only knows what could happen to him. He then grabbed his head again, “Shit, I should have never left him alone, I should’ve known better.”

“Please don’t do that, don’t blame yourself.” Izzy said as she reached out and grabbed one of his wrists gently pulling it to her and holding his hand in hers, “you were in the heat of the moment, he was pushing hard, you had no way of knowing.”

But Alec just shook his head, because he more than anyone should have known, “I have to go back, I need to get to him before… God.” Alec stood, looking around himself helplessly for a moment as Izzy stood as well.

“Give me a few minutes, I’ll get dressed and we will go together.” Izzy told him, rubbing his arm softly.

Alec nodded, running a hand through his hair. Izzy smiled sadly at him, and just as she was about to walk out of the kitchen, Alec's phone rang. They looked at each other for a short moment, then Alec quickly pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket.

He looked down at the caller ID in confusion, then his head snapped up to look at Izzy again, “It’s Raphael.” he told her, then answered the call.

**…**

Alec and Izzy were already out the door before Raphael could even finish his first sentence, they jumped into Izzy’s car and made their way back to his penthouse. Alec knew deep inside that he would find it empty, but he couldn’t help but hold onto the vain hope that maybe, just maybe he hadn’t left after all.

Maybe he hadn’t given up.

As soon as he saw Magnus’ keys on their usual hook by the door, Alec knew right away that it wasn’t because he was still home. Then he found the abandoned suitcase in the bedroom and knew for sure, they needed to work fast.

The call with Raphael had been brief and to the point, both men too worried about Magnus to let it go on for too long, desperate to find him before it was too late, if it wasn’t already.

They were also both quick to come to the same conclusion.

Camille was very good at disappearing, but she was not good at hiding. After a short back and forth with Raphael, they had figured out together where she was. Raphael was almost out the door when Alec told him not to come, he knew how difficult it was for him to get away as a priest, and he was also too far away to get there even remotely in time.

Also, Alec knew Magnus wouldn’t want a whole squad team to come for him, and to be honest, neither did Alec.

**...**

Camille was standing by the bar of some rundown pub, her go to according to Raphael, holding onto the martini in front of her. Alec scanned his gaze around, looked at the gloomy and shabby ambiance, the drunken people sprawled everywhere. It was disgusting and dirty, the kind of place he would never be caught dead at, but desperate times...

He forced himself through the threshold, then strode with determinate steps towards her.

It wasn’t his first time meeting her, he had the misfortune of encountering Camille a couple of weeks after he and Magnus started dating, she tried to pry him away from him and drag Magnus down yet another rabbit hole. Magnus had told him that he had never managed to refuse her before, that she was a big part of his relapses, until that day, where Alec was there to protect him and give him a good enough reason not to follow her.

They sent her away and haven’t heard from her since, until the night before.

“I don’t have him.” was the first thing out of her mouth when she saw him approach, she looked too amused for his liking, as she rolled her eyes and snickered. When he got closer and showed no sign of going away, she continued, “I don’t have your lost puppy, go away.”

“Look, I don’t know exactly what happened between you two last night, and to be honest I don’t want to know.” Alec told her through gritted teeth, folding his arms and staring her down, “But Magnus is gone and I need you to tell me where he is.”

“That’s cute.” she laughed in amusement, sipping slowly from her drink, then added in a bored voice, “But you ruined him for me, and nothing happened.”

“What?”

“I may like to play, but he is no fun anymore, not when he is tied to your hooks and chains.” Camille took another sip from her drink and made to walk away, but Alec stopped her by grabbing her arm. “Let go of me!” she shouted, trying to get out of his hold, but to no avail.

A couple of butch men stepped closer defensively, “everything okay there, Camille?” the bartender asked, looking ready to pounce. But Camille just shrugged nonchalantly, unfazed, “I’m fine.” she told him. 

Alec leaned in and grabbed her tighter, “so why does Magnus seem to think that he cheated on me with you?” he asked with venom, ignoring the prying and watchful eyes surrounding them.

Camille smiled with glee, “Oh maybe this is fun after all.” She said, with too much excitement for Alec’s liking, so he yanked her forward roughly, causing her to spill her drink, which in turn made her grunt in annoyance. 

The same two men from before, took another defensive step closer, but Camille held up her hand to stop them, “he may bark loudly, but he doesn’t bite.” Camille told them, keeping her gaze on Alec.

“This isn’t a game, Camille.” he warned, towering over her.

Camille rolled her eyes dramatically, “Oh whatever.” she muttered, “we ran into each other last night, he was upset, so I tried to comfort him, but he wouldn’t loosen up, so… I gave him a little push.”

“What did you do?” Alec asked through gritted teeth.

Camille ignored his question and just stared into space, smiling nostalgically.

“Answer the damn question, Camille.” Alec demanded again, yanking her out of her daze. She let out a small pained yelp, trying yet again to get out of his grasp, Alec still didn’t let her.

“I may have put a few drops of Heroin in his drink.” she said so nonchalantly that Alec could barely suppress the urge to punch her.

“What the fuck?” he growled, “you drugged him.”

“Oh relax, it was just a couple of drops.” she spoke about such a grave matter with so much ease, it was unsettling in the creepiest of ways, “and it worked for a while, he was actually not so boring, but then we got back to my place and he couldn’t stop going on and on about you, then he just passed out.”

Alec couldn’t fathom how her tone sounded as if she was talking about the weather, it made him freeze and loosen his hold on her, enough for her to finally pull out of it. Camille rubbed at her arm as she spoke again, “God, you're both so pathetic.”

“So where is he now?” Alec asked, ignoring her comment.

“I don’t know, you’re the one that lost him.” she shrugged then made to walk away, but Izzy who seemed to appear out of nowhere, stepped in front of her, blocking her way as she folded her arms.

“Answer the damn question, bitch.” Izzy told her, and despite himself, Alec couldn’t hold back the proud smirk, his sister was a badass.

Camille sighed in frustration and finally gave in, “Look, I really haven’t seen him since last night, so I don’t know for sure,” she began, her voice tight, as if she was suffering from admitting defeat. “But if he’s not here, there really is only one other place he could be.”

Camille gave them the address of some guy named Meliorn, in the worst part of town, one that Alec would usually avoid at all cost, but he has been crossing quite a few lines that day, and for Magnus he would cross as many as necessary.

He just hoped it wasn’t too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, please let me know your thoughts in the comments!


	4. Come please I'm callin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone so so much for all the kudos and wonderful comments, it seriously warms my hear and makes me even more motivated to write and post on time :)

_ And all I need is you _ _   
_ _ Come please I'm callin' _ _   
_ _ And all I scream for you _ _   
_ __ Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

There are voices, meshed together and blurred so he can’t decipher between them, or make any sense. He can’t even tell if there are words spoken, or just sounds and noises.

He doesn’t know where they are coming from or how far they are. Hell, he can’t even remember where he is or if he is even still alive. He tries to comprehend something, anything. Tries to actually  _ feel  _ and move his parts, to check if they are still connected to him and functioning. But everything is just… numb and heavy, floating and sinking simultaneously.

There is no tunnel, or white light. There are no angels or demons to welcome him to the other side, just darkness and fog. He can feel his heavy lids closed, and desperately tries to pry them open, but in vain.

Then suddenly, he can decipher one voice. A voice he would recognize anywhere and in any state. He can’t yet discern exactly what he is saying, but he can hear the fear and concern in his voice.

And somehow he just knows that he is the one who put them there.

He wants more than anything to remove them, but he cannot produce yet any words, let alone open his eyes. He isn’t even sure yet that he isn’t just dreaming or imagining.

Either way, he keeps slipping in and out, awareness (if you could even call it that) coming and going as it pleases.

**..**

He cannot perceive the time passing by, but as it does, he becomes more and more aware. Slowly, the noises begin to become less blurry and more distinguished, he can recognize more voices and words being said. He can hear the beeping of machines and the ticking of a clock. Footsteps walking in and out, a door opening and closing, muffled voices beyond it.

Then he can start feeling more, the prickle of needles, a small pressure on his fingertip and around his mouth, the aches and pains coursing through his veins and burning in his muscles.

After that, it's the anguish and need. The desperate yearning to fall again. Every part of his insides were screaming for more, but he cannot move or make a sound, it is pure turture.

Lastly, it's the emotions, the turmoil taking over and wishing more than ever he could open his eyes and see Alec. But then again, there was no more Alec to see, was there? And damn it how it hurt, how it all hurt and wouldn’t go away.

But then, that voice he knows so well spoke to him again, closer than before, begging for him to open his eyes and wake up. And there is a new pressure on his hand, squeezing it tight.

And Magnus wants more than anything, to comply.

Instead of waking up though, he falls back into the darkness, and Magnus can’t help but think that he really does screw up all the way, in any state he is in. because he can’t even wake up and comfort Alec like he wants.

**..**

Eventually, he wakes up, but when he does, he wishes he didn’t.

He feels terrible in every way possible, empty and overflowing. Detached and disoriented, he can’t focus on anything or anyone. Every nook and cranny of his body and soul aches like never before, unimaginable pain burning his lungs and suffocating him to no end.

He tries to talk, he tries to beg for help, but words fail him.

He is searching for Alec, but doctors and nurses are crowding his space, testing and checking, poking and pinching, and he is pliant like a doll, only his eyes scanning and searching frantically.

“Alec.” he finally manages weakly, but the nurse who is checking his vitals shushes him, tells him to relax and save his strength. But he needs Alec, he needs to know if they still have a chance. “I- I need… Alec.”

“Magnus.” finally he can see him, over her shoulder, Alec is watching him and Magnus fights against the nurse and tries to sit up, but he can’t and she won’t let him. “Magnus, please let her check you, we will talk later.” but that’s not comforting, because his eyes are distant and cold, they seem… troubled, but Magnus cannot figure out if he is there because he wants to or if he just feels obligated to be there.

Maybe Alec just came because he is still his emergency contact, maybe this is all just an nuisance to him and he can’t wait to get away.

As he struggles to get away, the nurse is sticking another tube into the needle in his vein, then he is enveloped by the darkness yet again.

**..**

Magnus wakes up to movement, his head falls to the side as he slowly opens his eyes, blinking a few times to get used to the bright lights. His bed is being wheeled through a corridor and then another one, then into an elevator, up a couple of flights, then through a large door and after that down another corridor. They end up in a small room, a clean and slightly fancier version of different rooms he had stayed in countless times before.

He is in rehab. Again.

It hits him like a ton of bricks, and he can’t stop the thought that all the paths in his life, had all ended up like this, all of them lead up to this moment, and he wonders if it would ever end a different way, or was he destined to be in and out, never completely fixed.

He is transferred to the bed in the room, and he tries to curl into himself, but it hurts and they won’t let him. They lay him down, flat on his back and start the same series of tests, like a never ending cycle.

He isn’t left alone for more than a minute, and yet, he feels extremely lonely. Every time the door opens, he curses the hope that builds in his gut, because it is never who he wants it to be, and he is foolish to even think for a second that it could.

The series of tests lessen with time, bigger and bigger gaps in between, but they still come and check on him. They try to talk to him, ask questions to make sure he is okay. It is then he realises that they are probably trying to figure out if there is any brain damage, and he finds himself wishing that there was, perhaps then he would be too far gone to feel the empty spaces where Alec used to be.

After he whispers weak answers to their questions, confirming that he is not brain damaged, he is given a small brief explanation of what happened, one of the doctors told him something about being drugged, which is the reason for his relapse, but he can’t bring himself to care or really listen and hear what he is told. And so Magnus stares into space and distantly hears the doctor’s voice explaining where he is, that he will feel weak and out of it for a bit.

Then he is left alone for a while.

When yet another nurse walks in, for another check up, he eventually manages to ask, “Where am I?” his voice weak and hoarse, by the look on her face, he can tell that he was probably already told.

But she just smiles softly, and answers anyway, “You’re at the New York Institute for rehabilitation.” she says in a calm and gentle voice, “You have your first session with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.”

Magnus has too many questions, but too confused to voice any of them, except, “where’s Alec?” he sounds too desperate, and he hates it, but can’t find the strength to care.

He decides he hates the sympathy in her eyes even more, “he had to go, Institute policy.” she says, finishing up her last test, “you will see him once you recover.” What does that even mean? Is he not allowed to see him, or does Alec just not want to. But before they even escape his lips, the nurse wishes him a good night and leaves him to swallow up his contemplations.

**..**

The next morning, as promised, he is sitting on a bright yellow and fluffy armchair, opposite a beautiful blonde woman, with kind blues eyes. She looks put together, calm and composed, wearing a gray and purple skirt suit, holding a notepad and pen, but had yet to write anything down. But that was only because Magnus had yet to say much.

She introduced herself as Dr. Lydia Brandwell, then tried to ask him a few questions, silly ones like how he is feeling, or what he remembers from what happened, what led up to it. But the words got stuck in his throat, and after the first few times of opening and closing his mouth like an idiot, he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

So that's why they just sat there now, both silent, both waiting. But Magnus was too stuck in his own head, lost in the few terrible memories he had from the past couple of days, or maybe it was longer than that, he isn’t even sure. Suddenly he looks up at her, finds her still watching him, but he forces himself to move past the discomfort it causes him, so he can finally utter words, “how long has it been?” he asks her, wondering to himself how much more pathetic he was going to get.

He is glad when her expression doesn’t change into disgust or pity, just answers straight forward, “you have been out for a week.” Lydia says, then when she catches the horror in his eyes, she quickly adds, “your body and mind just needed time to heal.” he just snorts and shakes his head, rubbing absentmindedly at the scars on his wrists, looking away trying to find something else to focus on.

“Why do you do that?” Magnus’ head snaps back to her when he hears her question. When he raises an eyebrow and looks at her confused, she gestures to his hands and says, “you’ve been rubbing at those scars since you got in here, do they hurt?”

Magnus looks down at his arm and stops his movement for a couple of seconds, then resumes it. He shrugs again, looks out the window then back down again, eventually he sighs and finally answers her question, “it hurts when I put pressure on them.” he tells her, and she just looks more confused, so he explains, in a small voice, “it helps to prevent myself from crying.”

Lydia doesn’t look too surprised, just nods and contemplates his words for a short moment, “why do you not want to cry?” she asks, “contrary to popular belief, it is not a sign of weakness. It also might help you release some tension.” but Magnus immediately shakes his head as if she had just said something terrible. 

“No.” he says adamantly and presses his thumb down harder, closing his eyes and willing back the persistent tears, “I can’t, I’m not allowed.”

“Why are you not allowed?” 

Magnus just shakes his head, scratching up and down his arms, when the pressure on them isn’t enough. He is glad when she doesn’t press the matter any further.

**..**

It’s only on their fourth session, after they have spoken mainly about his childhood and a bit about his previous drug crusades, when Magnus finally asks her if she knows what happened, because the more he thinks about it, the more his thoughts and memories get more jumbled, the less he understands. And it just drives him crazier, and the nightmares are just getting worse and more intense.

He wakes up at least three times every night, shaking and covered in cold sweat, sometimes screaming.

“I don’t know what happened, just the rough details.” Lydia says, “I think it is best for our sessions, if I don’t come into them with prior information, and we just focus on your experience and feelings. The more I know from outside sources the more it would just interfere.”

“I can’t remember much,” he finally says, after a long moment, “I remember Alec and I having a fight, because I… I umm I cheated on him, and suddenly felt the strong urge to use again, and after that it’s all just a blur, and for the life of me I can’t remember why, because I finally felt like I was doing better, I was good and haven’t felt that need in so long.”

“Didn’t the Doctor tell you?” Lydia asks, sounding confused. Magnus watches her questioningly, because he has no idea what she is talking about, “They were supposed to tell you that you had been drugged the night before, that is why you relapsed.”

“Oh.” was all Magnus could manage as he vaguely began to remember words being spoken by a random doctor, but being too out of it to really grasp what he was being told. He knows that this should somewhat comfort him, that he hadn’t completely screwed up by himself, this was done  _ to  _ him. But that just makes him feel even more pathetic.

“I’m just so tired.” he says instead, “I hate that I keep ending up here, in the same place. I just want to be better, but it never seems to work for me. Maybe I should just accept it, maybe I should just let Alec find someone who deserves him, someone who can be better for him.”

“First of all, I think that is something you need to let him decide.” Lydia says sternly, but kindly, “second, just the fact that you hate it and want to do better, proves that you can, it is the first step, which is usually the hardest. Most people have a hard time coming to terms with that.”

“I just… I - I don’t know where and how to go from here.” Magnus tells her, not sure where the sudden open flow came from, “especially without Alec.”

“Why do you think it would be without him?” Lydia asks, genuinely looking confused.

“Because I cheated on him, because I’m a mess and I’m - why would he want me?”

“Look, I think this is something you need to talk to him about, but don’t make all those assumptions before you do so.”

“Do you know him?”

Lydia looks like she’s contemplating her answer, whether or not she should tell him what she knows, she says, “We met in college, we own this place together.”

And that is how he can afford this place, because Alec owns it. But does that mean he actually cares, or just feels guilty, or obligated, and shit he is just more confused.

“Oh.” is all he says, then shuts down for the rest of the sessions.

**..**

That night, lying awake in bed, after yet another very vivid nightmare, Magnus decides that he is not ready to give up on Alec, which means he cannot give up on himself. And if there was even just a small sliver of hope that Alec still wants him, somehow, he is going to do everything in his power to get better, be better - for Alec.

Magnus can’t stop the thoughts that pop into his head next,  _ I was drugged, I was fucking druged, all my actions were out of my control. I cannot even remember going home with her, surely he could forgive that. _

As far as excuses go, even Magnus had to admit that it was a fucking good one. And somehow he just knew that he needed to convince himself that he wasn’t at fault, more than he did Alec.

And that night was the first time that he actually believed it.

So with his renewed determination, he gets up and out of his room, the first time he does so from his own will since he got there, and marches straight to the gym, running on the treadmill as much as he can in his state - which is not much, but definitely a start. Then he lifts some weights, and although the whole workout is nowhere near as intense as usual (but still much more difficult), he leaves feeling satisfied. This was a step forward, a good step forward.

After a nice warm shower, he goes down to the dining room and has his first meal outside his room, so far he refused to step foot out the confines of the four walls of his assigned room, except for going to his sessions with Lydia.

And now, he sits in the same room, on the same yellow armchair, in front of the same Lydia, but feeling like everything was different, he was different.

“What was the nightmare about?” Lydia asks, after he tells her about his new found determination and decisions to fight through this, to fight for Alec. She seems very pleased about it.

“I was back on that bridge,” he tells her after a long moment of pensive silence, “with Camille and Raphael, I fell off, but no one was there to save me. I died, and it just felt so real, and it’s bone chilling to think that I was so close to that, again.”

“It was a traumatic experience, very similar to the one you just went through.” Lydia says calmly, “your brain is making the connection.”

“I don’t want to get there ever again.” Magnus’ words are sharp and decisive, “and I want him back, I want him back so bad. I want that feeling I get when I’m with him, I want to be that person again, the one I was when we were together.”

“And you will get there, I know you will.”

The more time Magnus spent at rehab, the more he was convinced that he will in fact, get back to where he used to be, who he used to be with Alec. He was working out in the gym regularly, eating healthy meals and going to his sessions with Lydia - talking about all the horrible houses he lived in, all the drugs he had taken and their effect on him, talking about meeting Alec and falling in love with him, and about studying to be a social worker, his need to help other kids growing up like him.

And he felt so much stronger, like he had more control over his life and the direction it was going in. he felt good, and eventually, after four long weeks, he felt ready.

**...**

Magnus’ renewed vigor quickly dies, however, just as soon as he steps outside the institute, no longer in the warm cocoon that protected him from the big and scary world outside. It fades even more, when he finds Alec standing outside, waiting for him. He seems happy to see him, even tells him that he looks good, better. But there is a nagging feeling in Magnus’ stomach that wouldn’t allow him to fully relax, fully devote himself to his mission to win Alec all over again.

Something about Alec’s demeanor, he is keeping his distance, even a little cold, as if he is afraid of Magnus, that he would flip on him at any minute. Or maybe he is just there out of his good graces, as a last deed of kindness and obligation, before he leaves him for good.

“I think we need to talk.” Alec finally says as they walk down the path from the front entrance, Magnus’ heart almost freezes, because nowhere in the history of relationships, had that sentence led to something positive. Alec points with his thumb and nods his head towards the park, “would you like to go for a walk?”

Magnus just nods, not trusting his own voice. So they begin their walk along the promenade in the park, it is silent and awkward as they both get lost in their thoughts. Magnus is desperate to know where they stand, and he is terrified of the answer. He is just staring ahead at the trees and flowers along the path, every so often braving a glance at Alec, who keeps his gaze firmly ahead of him.

Magnus presses down hard, then even harder when it gets too difficult to control the tears. He is getting dangerously close, and even the pressure on his scars is barely helping anymore. His throat is getting clogged to the point where he can barely breathe. He closes his eyes again and forces air into his lungs, praying that Alec won’t notice. He constantly reminded himself that he cheated on Alec, all he ever did was bring pain and sorrow to the guy who did not deserve an ounce of it.

He won’t allow himself, he won’t.

Towards the end of the path, Magnus suddenly wonders where Alec will be taking him once they are done with their “talk”. Was Alec planning on driving him home or maybe he didn’t want him in his house, maybe he spoke to Cat and Ragnor, maybe they agreed to take him in again. That thought was completely deflating, almost enough to undo all the progress he made in the past month.

He is more than surprised when Alec stops suddenly and motions towards a bench, then proceeds to sit down, patting the spot beside him when Magnus stays standing. Magnus makes no attempt to sit down, too frozen, too scared of what is to come.

He can feel Alec's eyes on him, as they just stay that way in a deafening silence. Magnus no longer remembers why he allowed himself to even entertain the thought that Alec would ever take him back, why he would even allow himself to think that it was remotely okay for him to expect that. He was living in a bubble in the past month, so far away from reality, that he had the audacity to believe he could march back into Alec’s life and fight for the forgiveness he doesn’t deserve. He should leave and allow Alec the chance to move on and live a life free of his mess.

“I already packed my bag,” Magnus finally manages, it was near impossible to fight the strain in his throat, barely managing to prevent his voice from breaking, he continues without even looking at Alec, cause that would just be way too much, “I’ll get it and leave, I promise I won’t bother you anymore.” he keeps the pressure of his thumb on the scars, and his eyes firmly down, not daring to look at Alec. 

“Magnus.” Alec finally speaks, and the sound of his voice almost has Magnus breaking. He is too close, he has to get out before it is too late. “I don-”

“Or you can send it to Cat’s, if you don’t want me to come to the house.” Magus says hurriedly, cutting Alec’s next words off. “Yes, that is probably the best op-”

“Magnus.” Alec says sternly, but not unkindly. Probably to cut off his terrible ranting. The businessman slowly stands and lays a gentle hand on Magnus’, forcing him to stop the pressure, “please look at me.”

Magnus shakes his head vehemently, if he looks he will definitely break, especially since Alec won’t allow him to press down on his arm.

From the corner of his eye, he can see Alec’s other hand reaching for his other arm, he then pulls him towards him. Slowly and gently, Alec pushes back the long sleeve of Magnus’ shirt, revealing his red skin and small bruises over his scars.

“God, I’m so sorry Magnus.” Alec says, probably horrified by the sight. He then surprises Magnus by gently and softly caressing his scars with his thumbs.

Magnus immediately finds himself looking up at him, and shaking his head again. “No, no, you shouldn’t apologize.” he insists, trying to pull his arm away, but Alec wouldn’t let him.

“I should, because I made you feel like crap and you don’t deserve that.” Alec also insists, “it’s okay for you to let go.”

“Don’t say that.”

“We have a lot to talk about, and I would like it if you came home so we can clear stuff up.” Alec tells him quietly, “but you need to know that you did nothing wrong, you don’t have to keep hurting yourself like this.”

Magnus looks away, staring out at the at nothing in particular. “I cheated on you.” he says bluntly, simple as that, “you should hate me right now.”

“I could never hate you.” Alec insists, keeping a firm but gentle hold on his arm, “but Magnus, you didn’t cheat on me.”

Magnus looks up at him, too confused to utter anything other than, “what?”

“Shit, I should have told you sooner, but the last time I saw you, you were way too out of it, then I couldn’t see you because I didn’t want to interfere with your recovery, plus it is not allowed anyway, and I really wanted to be the one to tell you.” Alec is now the one rambling, which is a rare and strange occurrence. Alec is moving his hands up to cup Magnus’ face, stroking his cheekbones softly with his thumbs, “It’s a long story, and we will get into it later, but we tracked down Camille, and she told us the truth, you never had sex with her, Magnus.”

And again, all he could manage was a broken “what?”, as the first couple of tears slipped out. Alec wipes them away, then clutches at his nape as he pressed their foreheads together. A painful sob surges through Magnus and out of his lips, followed by more tears as he clutches his eyes shut.

“I’m so sorry, Magnus, I should have seen it sooner, I should have pushed harder.” Alec whispers into the small space between them, “I love you so much, Gatsby, you hear me?”

Alec wraps his arms around Magnus, and holds him close in a strong embrace, as Magnus buries his face in Alec’s shoulder and clutches the fabric of his shirt, finally allowing himself to break, as Alec whispers comforting and loving words in his ear, pressing kisses to his hair and temple.

“She will never hurt you again.” Alec whispers in his ear, somewhere in between his soul crushing sobs, that have been clogged up for too long. “I made sure of it.”

_ It’s okay, you're okay. _ Magnus repeats in his head, over and over,  _ it’s okay, Alec is here, you're okay now, you’re allowed to hurt. _

Eventually he calms down a little, and he must look even more like shit, but Alec still looks at him as if he is the most beautiful creation in the world, and then leans down to capture his lips on his own, despite how disgusting Magnus might be.

And when they pull apart, Alec speaks with a soft smile, “Let’s go home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo.... I was actually going to end this here, but it felt kinda too open and I don't wanna keep you all hanging like that, cuz there are still quite a few questions left unanswered.
> 
> please let me know what you think!


	5. Say it for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all and most importantly I would like to wish you all good health in this crazy time, I really hope you keep safe and stay well. Please take care of yourselves and the people around you, the only way out of this is together.
> 
> Also, I would like to thank you all for all your wonderful comments, the responses to this story were amazing and I am so so amazed and grateful!
> 
> sorry for the long wait, hopefully it is worth it...
> 
> Smut alert! the first part of this chapter is a bit... smutty, hopefully it doesn't suck (;

_ Say it for me _ _  
_ _ Say it to me _ __  
_ And I'll leave this life behind me _ _  
_ __ Say it if it's worth saving me

The car ride home began quiet, but not uncomfortable. Alec came with his town car and driver, so he could sit with Magnus as they rode. He sat in the back seat with him, both clutching at the other for dear life, as if afraid they would disappear or run away. Eventually Alec’s lips find Magnus’ own, after exploring and roaming along his neck and nape, behind his ear and down his jawline.

Magnus’ shallow breaths were cut off by Alec covering his lips with his own, eagerly kissing back and allowing access to Alec’s tongue. It was a desperate kiss, one that was too eager and too needy, but after the huge gaping hole that was dug between them, they both needed it, yearned for it, so much so that they just couldn’t stop to think rationally, about how unhealthy it is.

Yes they had spoken, but nowhere near enough, there is still so much left unsaid, so much that still needs to be cleared, but they couldn’t stop their pull towards each other, and allowing their bodies free reign over them, to do as they pleased to each other.

Alec closes the screen between them and the driver, uncaring that he still knew and could definitely hear what was happening right behind him. It wouldn’t be the first time, either.

Magnus straddled Alec’s lap after ridding himself of his pants, Alec’s pulled down to his ankles. Alec’s shirt is unbuttoned and left open, exposing his bare chest and abs. When he takes Magnus’ shirt off, his fingers delicately trace his overly prominent ribs, Magnus hates the sad look that has taken over his boyfriends eyes as they follow his fingers movements, he is quick to recover the bottle of lube they keep stashed in one of the seat pockets, handing it over to Alec, who looks up at him with a sad smile.

“Don't, please just… let’s not talk about it now.” Magnus almost begs, before Alec can say anything about his weight loss.

Lucky for him, Alec is just as intent to defer the serious talk they needed to have, and soon enough he is bouncing on Alec’s finger eagerly, his head thrown back as Alec kisses and sucks at his chest and nipples. When he gets too impatient, he pushes Alec’s finger away, uncaring of whether or not he is stretched enough, then positions his entrance over Alec’s tip.

Magnus clutches at Alec’s shoulders as he slowly sinks down, impaling himself so deliciously on Alec’s hard member. They both groan and and moan at the intrusion, despite it being an unhealthy escape from their very serious issues, Magnus feels like it is exactly what he needs at the moment, to feel the love of his life fill him and take him, allow his mind to finally shut down and focus of their pleasure.

“Shit you feel so good,” Alec breathes out, holding on tight to Magnus’ sides, fighting against the strong urge to thrust, “I missed you so much, you have no idea.”

Magnus kisses him hard on the lips, then murmurs against them, “I missed you too.” they continued to kiss and clutch at each other for dear life, as Magnus slowly started to grind his hips in small circles.

Their kisses quickly turn into heavy breathing and moaning into each other's mouths, as Magnus continues his hips movements. “God, you’re driving me crazy.” Alec complains, grabbing hold of Magnus’ hips and increases the speed and strength of his grinding. 

Magnus chuckles softly against his lips, as he starts moving back and forth earnestly. After Alec hits his sweet spot, Magnus’ back arches and he throws his head back again, as he lets out a long, low moan. “Yes, yes, yes, right there.” Magnus rambles.

Alec watches him with a proud smirk on his lips and a hungry look in his eyes, “this reminds me of our first time.” Alec tells him, as he places his hands on Magnus’ ass, pausing his movements. Magnus lets out a protesting whine, as he looks at Alec, annoyed.

“Except, on our first time, you really gave it to-” Magnus begins, but is cut off by a rough and hard thrust of Alec’s hips upwards. “Shit, yes, like that.” Magnus moanes, trying to snap his hips down to get more, but Alec’s grip is strong, “More, I want more, please.”

“Please what?” Alec asks teasingly.

“Please fuck me, hard.” Alec’s next couple of thrusts are so powerful and catch him off guard, that Magnus falls forward, into Alec. they both wrap their arms around each other in a tight embrace, frantically moving together.

Alec then securely grabs hold of Magnus’ waist, twists and flips them so Magnus is laying across the leather seats on his back, Alec on top, still inside him. Magnus moans loudly at how the maneuver causes Alec’s cock to hit his spot just right, and also because he just loves the way his boyfriend can manhandle him so perfectly.

“God, that was so sexy.” Magnus breathes out as he kisses Alec’s lips, feeling impossibly more needy.

The business man smirks proudly at him, then whispers in his ear, “oh, there’s more where that came from.” and to prove his point he drives into Magnus so hard, it causes him to slide up and hit his head on the car door. Alec quickly places his hand protectively over Magnus’ head, “shit, you okay?” he asks in a worried tone.

Magnus just laughs softly pulling him in for another sweet kiss, then he whispers into the small space between them, “Show me what you go, Forbes.”

“Oh, I will.” Alec accepts the challenge, his hand remaining on Magnus’ head when he continues to thrust into him, as Magnus wraps his legs around his waist.

Alec buries his face in Magnus neck, placing kisses all over it, sucking at Magnus’ weak spots, causing him to go even more wild. “I know - ah shit - that we still, ah, have a lot to talk… about.” Alec says in between kisses and thrusts, “but... you need to know that - uh - that I am never, ever, letting you go again.”

Magnus moans in response, too out of it to form any words.

“Do you hear me? Never.” Magnus nods and lets out a hoarse  _ yes,  _ biting gently at Alec’s ear, “you’re mine.” Alec possessively holds onto the other man, as he kisses his lips, continuing to murmur against them, “mine, mine, mine.”

“Yours, only yours.” Magnus whispers back, his voice breaking slightly. 

**…**

As soon as they walk through the front door, Magnus can almost physically feel the bubble they’ve wrapped themselves in for the duration of the drive, burst and evaporate. He walks into the penthouse and suddenly feels the cold creep into him again, he still feels like a stranger, like he doesn’t belong there. 

But worst and most of all, he feels angry, and for what’s probably the first time ever, it is not only at himself. He is angry at Alec, something he has always refrained from doing. But it is boiling so strong inside him, he can’t stop it from overflowing.

Magnus still has his back to Alec, when he utters his first words, “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he asks, hugging himself protectively. He moves his head to his side, so he can see from the corner of his eye as Alec steps closer to him.

“Magnus, you were so out of it.” Alec begins to explain, no longer moving towards him, “you weren’t in any state to handle it, I wanted to tell you properly, when I knew that you were actually listening.”

“I was out of it at first, but you could have told me later, while I was in rehab.” Magnus retorts, with his back still turned to Alec.

“I know, and I wish I had, but you weren’t allowed visitors while in rehab.” Alec explains desperately, “it’s a rule for a-”

“Fuck the rules!” Magnus shouts, cutting him off. Then he turns to look at Alec with fresh tears in his eyes, Alec was frozen and shocked, probably because Magnus had never shouted at him before. “It was killing me, Alec, knowing that I hurt you like that. I could barely live with not knowing whether or not you still hated me, if you still wanted me.”

“I could never hate you.” Alec whispers, stepping forward and cupping Magnus’ face with his hands, “and you’re right, I should have told you sooner, and I’m sorry. I just wanted you to heal first, without the outside world interfering.”

“I just can’t help but think, perhaps I would have healed faster, knowing that I never cheated.” Magnus says quietly, looking up at Alec, as a few tears slip through his eyes and down his cheeks.

Alec wipes the tears away with his thumbs, “I know, and I regret it, I regret all of it.” Alec tells him, “I thought that if the doctors told you that you were drugged, that it would be enough, but I should have known better, just like I should have known better that night I kicked you out.”

They both cringe at the unpleasant memory, all they wanted was to just get past it and move forward. But they know that in order to do so, they have to talk about the hard stuff and clear the air, otherwise it will come back to bite them in the ass.

“It wasn’t enough.” Magnus whispers, his voice breaking, “I really needed you, Alec, I needed to know where we stood.”

Alec continues to stroke his cheeks with his thumbs, as he leans his forehead to Magnus’, “I’m so sorry Magnus, I should have known, I should have spoken to you sooner, I wasn’t thinking clearly.” Alec tells him, “I know it’s going to take time, but I hope you can forgive me.”

“I will always forgive you.” Magnus says immediately, and Alec smiles weakly at him. “I know you would never hurt me on purpose, or do anything that would harm me.”

Speaking of harming… “Magnus, about that night, I need you to never push me away like that again,” Alec says sternly, but his voice still gentle and kind, “hopefully there isn’t a next time, but if there is, we need to talk, no matter how difficult it is, or how much we don’t think we deserve a chance to explain.”

“I know, I shouldn’t have shut you out like that.” Magnus agrees,  _ “ _ I promise to do better about talking and sharing what I’m going through.”

They share a soft and sweet kiss, then Magnus smiles at him, feeling lighter already, “perhaps we can continue this talk over dinner?”

Alec smiles back and nods in agreement, “yes, that sounds like an excellent idea.”

They order food from their favorite Indian restaurant and sit down to eat with two glasses of apple juice. They talk about Magnus’ time in rehab, and Alec also tells him how he found him that night, how he figured everything out. Alec also explained how he framed Camille, and she is now finally in police custody, promising a Camille-free life. 

Alec is a few bites into the dessert when he stops to look at Magnus, who is quick to notice. Magnus smiles shyly and puts down his fork, “what is it?” he asks softly, placing his hand over Alec’s.

Alec turns his hand over and holds onto Magnus’, he looks him in the eyes, struggling for a moment to get the words out, but forces himself to, despite the difficulty. “About our fight…” he begins, and by the way Magnus freezes and averts his eyes, he knows that Magnus knows exactly what he is talking about, “I’m sorry about everything I said, I know that it was harsh, and you need to know I didn’t -”

“It’s okay.” Magnus cuts him off.

“No, it is not.” Alec insists.

He cringes at the memory of some of his harsh words he said to Magnus that night.

_ “So what? You’re only with me for my money? Because that’s the only explanation I can think of, which makes you no better than all the other gold diggers I’ve dated.” _

“You were angry, and hurt, I get it.” Magnus says, ever so understanding.

“I had no right to talk to you like that, no matter what.” Alec insists, “no one should ever talk to you like that, you don’t deserve it, especially since it was all far from true.”

_ “No! Of course not, Alexander, how can you even say that?” Magnus looked so hurt, more so than Alec had ever seen him, “I’m just not ready for that.” _

_ “Not ready? What else do you need? Am I not enough for you?” Alec asked sadly, “because after everything we’ve been through, after all this time, I really thought you would want this too.” _

_ “It’s not that simple.” _

_ “Yes it is.” Alec insisted, “you either love me enough or you don’t, you should know by now.” _

They stay silent for a moment, both weighed down by the heaviness of the memories from that harsh fight, it was one of the worst they had.

“I think we both made some terrible mistakes, and said the wrong things.” Magnus breaks the silence, speaking calm and composed, “but we just need to learn from it and move forward.”

Alec continues to watch him with sad eyes, and Magnus feels even more desperate to make that look go away so he continues, “I don’t expect us to solve everything tonight, but we did take an important step forward, and -” Magnus cuts himself off as Alec lets out a long frustrated sigh and stands up, “what? Did I say something -”

This time it was Alec that cut him off, “Magnus, I’m sorry, I don’t want to fight again, I really don’t, especially since you only just came back, but, shit..” Alec pasuses to take a deep breath and rubs his face with his hands, Magnus continues to watch him intently, “Dammit Mags, I asked you to marry me.” Alec snaps, not unkindly, and Magnus bows his head, clutching his fingers together so they don’t go to his scars.

“I know.” Magnus says, avoiding eye contact.

“And you said no.” Alec states sadly, his voice breaking ever so slightly, and Magnus hates himself for causing that pain.

“I said not yet.” Magnus corrects, finally standing up and facing Alec. “I just… I wish I was, but I’m just not ready yet.”

“So when, Magnus? Because we’ve been together for over three years, and it's not like we’re too young…” Alec says, his voice strained and sad, “I just don’t get it, what is missing for you?”

Magnus shakes his head, “I don’t know.” he says weakly.

“You say that, and I just can’t help but think that you really do know.” Alec states, taking a step back when Magnus tries to come closer, “and you just don’t want to hurt my feelings, but if you feel like this isn’t it, like… like I’m not it for you, then I wish you would just tell me, because - “

“How can you even say that? That’s not true.” Magnus cuts him off.

“Well, Magnus, I really don’t know what else to believe, cuz you won’t - “

“It’s me!” Magnus shouts, cutting Alec off again, “It’s not you. I’m not it for you, I can't be.”

“That is not your decision to make.” Alec says, frustrated and hurt, “it is mine, and I believe that I decided that you are, if the goddamn proposal wasn’t clue enough.”

Magnus chews on his bottom lip, as he bounces his leg in frustration, his body filled to the brim with nerves. “Alec-” he chokes out, cutting himself off, taking a deep breath to unclog his throat, “Alexander, look at me, I’m quite literally covered in scars, scars that may never heal.” Magnus gestures to himself as he speaks, “You can’t honestly say that you like this.”

“You’re right, I don’t like this.” Alec says softly, as Magnus looks away, “I love this, I love all of this. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again as many times as needed, I love you no matter what, you’re beautiful no matter what.” Alec says, stepping closer to Magnus, cupping his face again.

Magnus looks up at him with adoring eyes, filled with tears, “I love you too.” he whispers, because that is the only volume his voice will allow, “but I think, today has been… loaded enough, perhaps we should wait with any life altering decisions, for now.”

“Oh, you missed your chance anyway.” Alec says, his voice and eyes teasing, trying to lighten the mood.

“What?’ Magnus asks, confused.

“I already proposed, pulled out all the stops, and you said no.” Alec states dramatically, “if you want to make any life altering decisions, it’s not coming from me.”

Magnus laughs and shakes his head, “I’m sorry, is that a threat?” he asks, folding his arm and tilting his hip.

“Oh, it’s a promise.” Alec replies with a smirk.

**…**

**One month later…**

They were barely an hour in, and Alec was already exhausted from all the schmoozing, especially since Magnus disappeared over half an hour ago, and hadn’t come back yet. When he finally manages to get away from yet another reporter, Alec searches for his boyfriend, but finds Jace instead.

“God, I hate these Forbes parties.” Alec complains, plucking a sushi off one of the trays, and popping it into his mouth.

“Yeah I know, can you believe that I’m not even on the list?” Jace whines, causing Alec to look at him with amused eyes.

“Yes, yes I can.” Alec tells him, causing Jace to gasp, as he places a hand over his heart, but before he can retort, Izzy steps in, cutting off what would definitely be an amazing comeback, no doubt.

“Sorry boys, I’m sure this is fascinating,” she says with much doubt dripping from her words, gesturing vaguely between the two, then turns to Alec, “but you’re needed outside.”

“Outside?” he asks, taking another sushi and making no move to go outside, “why?” Izzy shoves him in the direction of the door, stopping him from taking yet another sushi, “hey!” he calls out.

“Oh, just go outside already.” she says, and he finally gives up, walking out the doors as she walks back into the party.

“Hey number one!” His favorite voice in the world calls out to him, and when Alec’s eyes land on him, he can’t help but laugh. Magnus is standing by his town car, dressed in the same Gatsby uniform from three years ago, “wanna go for a ride?”

Alec rushes over to him and wraps him in his arms tight, whispering in his ear, “you bet.”

They get into the town car, which has champagne waiting for them, and the inkling feeling in Alec is confirmed when Magnus smiles sheepishly at him, “Oh God, it’s about damn time!” he exclaims, then attacks Magnus with kisses.

When the car starts moving, they pull away and Magnus reaches behind him, “have you seen the latest issues of Forbes magazine?” he asks with a huge grin, showing said magazine to Alec, “My fiance’ is on the cover.”

“Oh is he now?” Alec asks, and Magnus hums and nods.

“Yeah, he used to be number nine, which was so humiliating, lucky he finally managed to snag number one.” Magnus goes on, causing Alec to chuckle, “from nine to one in three years, isn’t that something.”

Alec just laughs and shakes his head incredulously, then leans in for another kiss.

“So I guess that’s a yes?” Magnus asks in between kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried with all my might to not end this story with a proposal, I really really did...
> 
> please let me know what you thought!
> 
> until my next story, over and out!

**Author's Note:**

> please come follow me on my new Instagram account: [mblwrites](https://www.instagram.com/mblwrites/?hl=en)
> 
> and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)


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